=?

I think in a way I feel more like crap that I have in a while. Even counting my last few posts and stuff.

I was feeling better a few days ago. But now that I reflect upon that I realize that the problem never really went away. I was feeling better b/c I felt that for the first time in a long time I know where I'm heading in my life. I still feel that I do know where I am going in my life and I'm starting to get excited knowing that too =D It doesn't matter to me if people think what I'm doing is crap. It's my life isn't it? I'll do what I please =)

GOD truly works in mysterious ways though. Even as I start journeying down my 'new' life I still find that there's a little 'dark' hole inside me eating me alive. It doesn't necessarily hinder me from doing what I want but it occassionally keeps poking me almost in a way interrupting what I was doing. I keep examining it in every way that I possibly can and everytime I feel that I'm closer to the answer that I want something else gets thrown into the mix. Wow, it's almost like I don't know myself b/c of it. It's been a part of me for so long I feel that I should be able to understand it but I don't at all. I don't know if I should let it go or keep it as a part of me. And thinking about either of those possibilities makes me feel unbalanced or something. Some feeling that I don't really know the words to.

I try not thinking about it and letting it go but the more I try to let it go the more it hurts me. Bah, all I know is that I feel used in some shape or form and I'm not talking about any recent happenings....I really should let it go....But I guess I'm just missing the first step in how to. I get so angry at myself for that too.....Just step up one day and do it, say it, just fucking do something! Stand up for yourself! I know I deserve better than that. I'm tired of secrets and lies. I just wanted things to be normal.....

Oyasuminasai